The waiting drove me mad...
You're finally here and I'm a mess
I take your entrance back...
Can't let you roam inside my head
These lines from Pearl Jam’s Corduroy
have been haunting me for years. Pearl
Jam reminds me of a time when I was young and free and only had myself to worry
about. The lyrics they write really hit
the mark for me sometimes, but unfortunately don’t always lead to happy places.
These lines play through my head when I
am experiencing fear. Usually when I
finally get something I have worked for or tried very hard to obtain. I get scared that I can really succeed or
that I even deserve my new found success or reward. This is what it was like for me when I got
pregnant. The waiting drove me mad,
wanting it to happen now now now! Then
when I eventually found out I was pregnant BAM! I was a complete mess. Suddenly all these doubts that I had been
secretly harboring entered my head.
Could I do it, was I ready, how will my life change?????
I let these thoughts ruin most of my
pregnancy and they played a large part in my eventual downfall into postnatal
depression. I still do it today in most
areas of my life – work, relationships, exercise. I can’t run as fast as others, I can’t run as
far, I’m no good at my job, I’m sure I will make a mistake and others will see
me for the fraud I really am, I’m not good enough. STOP!!!!!!!
Perfectionism and negative self-talk are
killers. So I can’t let these thoughts
roam inside my head anymore. I need to
release myself from pressure and be open to change. I need to commit fully to this challenge to become
the person that I want to be, that I know I can be.
Already the doubts are there causing
inaction. Can I really change? Will I do the challenges successfully? When these thoughts hit, I tend to close up
and stop sharing, start thinking negatively, although always it seems blogging
in my head.
Why didn’t I share the fact that last
weekend I completed my first sewing project?
I had fun. I was proud of myself
and pleased to be starting something creative again. I am already onto my next project.
Why didn’t I share the fact that I
completed another 5 km fun run on the weekend running all the way for 37
minutes! I did want to go a little
faster, but am happy with the fact that I ran non-stop, something I could only
have dreamed of a year ago. Probably the
most positive thing to come out of 2011 was interest in exercise and the friendships
I gained from this.
So now I have put this out there and it
is off my chest, hopefully I can leave it behind and prosper with this
challenge in 2012!
J