Tuesday 10 January 2012

Letting fear creep in


The waiting drove me mad...
You're finally here and I'm a mess
I take your entrance back...
Can't let you roam inside my head

These lines from Pearl Jam’s Corduroy have been haunting me for years.  Pearl Jam reminds me of a time when I was young and free and only had myself to worry about.  The lyrics they write really hit the mark for me sometimes, but unfortunately don’t always lead to happy places.

These lines play through my head when I am experiencing fear.  Usually when I finally get something I have worked for or tried very hard to obtain.  I get scared that I can really succeed or that I even deserve my new found success or reward.  This is what it was like for me when I got pregnant.  The waiting drove me mad, wanting it to happen now now now!  Then when I eventually found out I was pregnant BAM! I was a complete mess.  Suddenly all these doubts that I had been secretly harboring entered my head.  Could I do it, was I ready, how will my life change?????

I let these thoughts ruin most of my pregnancy and they played a large part in my eventual downfall into postnatal depression.  I still do it today in most areas of my life – work, relationships, exercise.  I can’t run as fast as others, I can’t run as far, I’m no good at my job, I’m sure I will make a mistake and others will see me for the fraud I really am, I’m not good enough.  STOP!!!!!!!

Perfectionism and negative self-talk are killers.  So I can’t let these thoughts roam inside my head anymore.  I need to release myself from pressure and be open to change.  I need to commit fully to this challenge to become the person that I want to be, that I know I can be.

Already the doubts are there causing inaction.  Can I really change?  Will I do the challenges successfully?  When these thoughts hit, I tend to close up and stop sharing, start thinking negatively, although always it seems blogging in my head.

Why didn’t I share the fact that last weekend I completed my first sewing project?  I had fun.  I was proud of myself and pleased to be starting something creative again.  I am already onto my next project.

Why didn’t I share the fact that I completed another 5 km fun run on the weekend running all the way for 37 minutes!  I did want to go a little faster, but am happy with the fact that I ran non-stop, something I could only have dreamed of a year ago.  Probably the most positive thing to come out of 2011 was interest in exercise and the friendships I gained from this.

So now I have put this out there and it is off my chest, hopefully I can leave it behind and prosper with this challenge in 2012!

J  

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